Funny Car Stories - Just for fun :)

Okay, so in another forum thread someone mentioned saying lines in the car and getting some interesting reactions from fellow commuters. This reminded me of the time I was belting out one of my songs from a show while sat at the lights waiting for a train to pass, completely oblivious to the fact that my window was wide open. The applause that greeted me as my voice faded from the big finish note kind of jarred me back into reality and the girls in the car next to me disolved into fits of giggles as I sheepishly looked to my right and said thank you.

I'm sure we've all had moments like this - where something theatre related has lead to an "amusing anecdote" while on the road to or from the theatre. I thought it would be nice to share these little stories with each other - I'm sure we can all relate :)

DazzaB

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." Scott Adams

I've posted this a few times around the Internet and to those that know it, yeah I know but it is such a great story!

I studied Computing Science at Curtin University, WA. That was my major. It was (in hindsight) not my preferred choice. I ended up taking a range of additional units including Creative Writing, Theatre Arts, Philosophy, Psychology and so forth. One of the major components in the Theatre Arts units was the participation on a full-length production, and this is where the story starts.

I was an extra in the pantomime production of Jack and the Bean Stalk some years back. You know, odd parts here and there, a cherub (a rather tall one), a dancing Bean, an evil attorney, you know,  the usual. The shows were always a big hit with the kids and they were more often than not sell-outs.

This one Saturday morning, I was heading into for a double afternoon. That is, one show around midday and another later that afternoon. First, I needed a few supplies from the city chemist which seems to be the best (if not the only) place to get decent theatre make-up and bits.

I was southbound on the northern freeway and just coming up to the city. Here the freeway splits. At that time, it split into two; left lead into the city centre and right onto a bridge that went over the city to merge with the southern freeway. I was going left. Interestingly enough, there seemed to be backed up traffic in the right two lanes and absolutely nothing (bar me) in the left two lanes. I was in the second lane, near to the slow traffic, doing about 90 (the limit at the time). I remember quite clearly looking into my rear-view mirror and saw a white sedan/waggon some distance behind me just coming over the rise. I looked forward just in time to see a purple 4wd Drive, a Pajero (which incidentally is Wanker in Spanish or so I understand) suddenly pull out in front of me. Right in front of me.

Had I been thinking clearly, I think I may run into the back of him and his steel allow bumper bar. As it was, I reacted by swerving left and slamming the brakes. Sadly too much. This only succeeded in sending me into a sideways slide having spun 90 degrees anti-clockwise. Luckily my direction was away from the 4wd. That didn’t change the fact that I was now heading toward the edge of the freeway. Better but still not good.

I was starting to engage my brain now and span the wheel back to the right, took my foot off the brakes, quickly rev’d the engine and then started pumping the brakes. Unfortunately, the instability of the first manoeuvre was not over come and I only succeeded in spinning the car around 180 degrees and was now drifting toward the ‘peak-hour’ traffic. I did notice however that I was now in front of the Pajero. I had overtaken him sideways!

It was all happening way to fast and I froze solid. The car then connected with another vehicle whose forward movement managed to spin my car back the other way nearly 270 degrees so that I was looking back up the freeway (at an angle) the way I had come, only to see the Pajero managed to come to a halt not 2 meters from the passenger side as my slide stopped.

I couldn’t feel anything. My arms and legs were numb. The next thing I knew, someone was dragging me out of the car and supporting me to the side of the road. I then recall watching this same person push my car off the freeway. There was also a motorcycle cop interviewing the Pajero driver and another man holding a note pad was standing next to the car I had hit.

Where the $*%& did the cop come from? Apparently, he had been a short distance behind the white waggon I had seen before and he had seen the entire thing. He had already called an ambo and was now interviewing a rather distraught man who seemed to be admitting complete fault for the whole thing.

My vision went a little wonky then and my memory fades as I then recall two ambo drivers checking me out, asking me questions, etc. Then a shadow fell upon me and a voice said “You OK Mate?” I don’t know why I remember that voice more than anything else, I just do. I think I said “Yeah.” I tried to look up but I was still quite numb. I saw enough to know that the cop was standing over me. My heart froze for a second.

He held out his hand and said “Just wanted to say well done mate. That was some of the best driving I have seen in a while. You saved your life.” He then informed me that the Pajero driver was accepting responsibility for the accident and was to pay damages to mine and the other guys car, even though his didn’t have a scratch. He then offered to call my parents. The first thing that cam to my mind was “The SHOW!!!” That became my prime concern. OMG!!! I’m going to be late!!!! Someone has gotta call the theatre!!!!!

The officer assured me that he would ask my parents to do just that and I was then placed on a stretcher and carted off to emergency just to be sure.

Stay Tuned for part two … It gets better.

Absit invidia (and DFT :nono:)

Jeff Watkins
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"ƃuıʇsǝɹǝʇuı ǝɟıן ƃuıʞɐɯ"

Way, way back in the days of the W.A. Police Force's Road Traffic Authority, I was home here in Perth on leave and getting around in my dad's beaten-up old Holden EJ station wagon, heavily loaded with all of his building tools. An old mate of mine was currently employed as a flying instructor with the Bunbury Aero Club and was ferrying a Cessna 172 up to Perth for routine maintenance and it was a good opportunity to catch up with each other. So there I was heading out to Perth Airport in this old jalopy of Dad's, waiting at the traffic lights to make the right-hand turn off of Great Eastern Highway. Right behind me, also waiting to turn, was an R.T.A. vehicle, but I wasn't particularly concerned because as far as I could tell I hadn't done anything wrong.

The lights changed, we both made the turn, and the R.T.A. bloke immediately sounded his siren. Seeing my puzzled look in the rear view mirror, he vigorously motioned with his hand for me to pull over. Well, my first thought was "Oh no, not the R.T.A. . . . those blokes are right ba*tards!"

"Did you indicate to make that turn mate?" He asked.

"I certainly did...mate", I replied a little testily.

"Oh...well perhaps the bulb's blown then", he said, "Lets just check".

Sure enough, the indicator light bulb had chosen that particular morning to expire.

"You know, this old banger doesn't look too appealing and I really ought to give it a good going over to see if there's anything else wrong with it".

"Oh here we go," I thought, "Dad's not going to be happy about this!"

"Is it your vehicle?" he asked.

"No, it's my dad's. I'm just borrowing it" I replied.

"Uh-huh. What are you heading out to the airport for anyway?" he asked.

I thought it was none of his business, but I told him anyway "I'm picking up a flying mate of mine. He's dropping off an aircraft for overhaul"

"And you're a pilot too, I suppose", he said, and I thought I detected a note of sarcasm.

"Ye-e-e-s . . . Why?" I replied cautiously, "Surely you don't want to see my licence. . .?"

His whole demeanour suddenly changed and became very sunny and cheerful. "No no, mate, of course not! It's just I do a bit of flying myself . . . nothing too exciting, mind you but . . . well, you know, brotherhood of the air and all that . . . look, I'll tell you what, I can see it's just a work vehicle and your dad's probably a bit of a battler . . ."

"Yeah well, you know how it is", I quickly interjected, seizing the chance.

"I do mate, I do" he said, "My old man's self employed too . . . self UNemployed he calls it! Look, there's a petrol station just up here on the right . . . you can pick up a new bulb there."

"Thanks mate, I will", I replied with some relief.

"You know, this reminds me of an Irish joke", he said, and I could hardly believe my ears . . . this WAS an R.T.A. copper, after all.

"Yeah, see . . . Paddy says to Mick 'Can you just hop out and check my rear indicator light for me?', so Mick gets out of the car, goes to the back and says 'Okay, try it now'. Paddy flicks the lever and calls out 'Is it working?' Mick calls back 'I'm not sure . . . now it's working . . . now it's not . . . now it's working . . . now it's not!'

And the copper dissolved into fits of laughter.

"Ha ha ha, good one mate!" I humoured him. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd heard it before.

"Have a great day, won't you mate" he said sunnily, heading back to his car, "And you won't forget about that bulb, will you?"

"I won't, mate . . . Thanks very much. You have a great day too . . . see you!"

I wonder what that copper's doing now . . .

Per Ardua Ad Astra

So, where was I ... Oh yes, being driven off to hospital after a 'near-fatal' car accident.

Now, you may recall that I had asked the cop to contact my parents and get them to notify the theatre. Well my pleas did not stop there. I think I hounded that Ambulance Drivers into submission, and the Emergency nurses, and anyone else around until a doctor quite soundly told me that he had spoken with them and that I could shut-up now. They were on their way and had promised to inform the theatre first.

In the meantime, I was observed for a short while until it was absolutely clear that the lack of feeling I had experienced was only due to the fact that all the blood had rushed to the extremities of my body leaving my brain and heart a little starved. Once the balance was returned, then I felt a little better. Apparently, the centrifugal forces I experienced were that extreme. Well, not surprising really, I was stuck in a car that was swinging wildly left and right, spinning in some vague notion of control (if you believe the cop) for nearly 200 meters.

The combined time taken to be checked out, waiting for my parents, taken home and what-not meant that I had completely missed the first show that day. I was not going to miss the second. Time was short so I set about convincing my mother to take me back into the Uni. theatre. I think the argument about getting back on the horse was the final straw. I still needed to get some things from the city so we bundled off, grabbed what I needed and made a dash for the uni. I told mum I would bus it home and trotted off to the theatre. As I came closer, I was able to hear the the show had just gotten underway so I dashed for the green room door.

Side note here. I found out that my parents had called the hospital after the cop had called and tried to find out what had happened. They were told that such information could not be given out over the phone (huh?) and that I had a request... The request I think was what made my parents not panic too much - "CALL THE THEATRE!!!" Personally, this nonsense about not able to give out details, heck I think they didn't have any details to give out at the time. It was on that information that they called the theatre.

Upon entering, I saw a handful of crew lounging about on the second hand sofas and arm-chairs.

"Hello Jeff. We didn't expect to see you back today."

"Couldn't keep me away if you tried."

"How are you feeling."

"Alright. I little spaced out but otherwise fine."

At that moment, the upstairs girl's change room door opened and a gaggle of girls voices started coming closer. Within seconds they had come into view of the green room. They all stopped in unison, saw me, screamed, then went bolting back up the stairs.

"Ummm, what's wrong with them."

"Oh, they probably think you're dead. That was the rumour."

Oh, I thought.

It is a strange thing fate. It plays some awful tricks on people. I had missed my first appearance on stage (as a dancing bean) and thinking odd things about girls and death, I headed up to my changing area. It was there that I met the young lady who had taken my role over earlier that day. Apparently, she either had not heard or did not believe the rumour going around as she was 'happy' to see me. Happy in the fact that she tended to look down on most people including me and was glad that she didn't have to take my role anymore. We agreed that she would take the role of bean and I would reclaim my other roles (cherub and evil lawyer).

Toni, the director then appeared having heard that I was back. Again he was pleased to see me. He had not been concerned. When my parents had called, they had told him that while they did not know how I was, they weren't worried. So the rumour had obviously started elsewhere. I absorbed all this as I got into costume as the evil lawyer.

My first appearance for that day was from behind the audience, a side passage that lead to the main foyer. My two 'co-stars' for this entry both confessed to hearing the rumours but not putting much truth to them and were more than pleased to see me. However, I think Fee had been a little more taken in by the rumour than he admitted, judging by his reaction to seeing me.

Anyway, the three of us lined up to make our entry, Lawyer number one out front, Fee behind holding the front of our load and me last at the back end of our load. Then our entry. We marched on. I often try to imagine what it must have been like for those on-stage, who had been onstage since before I had arrived and therefor had not had a chance to hear the tale of Jeff's return. What must have been going through their minds when they saw me, alive and well, walking tall, holding up the rear-end (of all things) of a coffin! Combined with the rumour that I was dead?!?!

The the character who had all the lines, hats off. She held her composure brilliantly although she did risk a subtle, stunned glance at my face to make sure she wasn't seeing things. The young man playing Jack was almost drooling his mouth was open so wide, an expression that was reflected around the stage. Appropriate really, because they were all meant to be a little stunned at the "death of their landlord", they were just looking at me, instead of the coffin.

Absit invidia (and DFT :nono:)

Jeff Watkins
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"ƃuıʇsǝɹǝʇuı ǝɟıן ƃuıʞɐɯ"

Stang it. Posted instead of moderated.... Pity I can't Remove the post. Hey guys, moderate this as utter rubbish and watch it vanish. It's magic.

Absit invidia (and DFT :nono:)

Jeff Watkins
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"ƃuıʇsǝɹǝʇuı ǝɟıן ƃuıʞɐɯ"

I have order Mac Donald's with a Russian Accent.

"Ah'll 'arve a Bug Mec with Lurge Fries and Lurge Cok pulees."

I love it when people do a double take.

Absit invidia (and DFT :nono:)

Jeff Watkins
SN Profile
"ƃuıʇsǝɹǝʇuı ǝɟıן ƃuıʞɐɯ"